This isn’t about the singer Dareise…yet, she’s still emerging. This is about the journey to earning that moniker, fully and respectfully. It is an ode to fear. That scary monster under the bed, that when you finally take a look under the covers hanging down and camouflaging the unknown, you realize is an old forgotten stuffed teddy bear highlighted in darkness to be your worst enemy, but is in fact an ally. A clarion call for action, energy and dedication to your gift.

I started singing when I was eight in the choir at Greater New Hope Baptist Church on North Avenue in Baltimore City. Actually, it was before that, as a little girl singing in the living room with my sister/cousin, as my musical grandmother accompanied us on the piano. I vividly remember my grandmother’s smile of pride as I performed for her girlfriends, who were also her group mates in their gospel group, The Stars of Grace. I loved singing, but growing up in a Baptist church with sangers intimidated me. I just didn’t think my voice was good enough. Strong enough. Churchified enough (I just made that word up, but if you know you know, lol). So, I’d continue to sing in choirs throughout high school, take Opera lessons during my sophomore year of undergrad and sing for the talent portion of pageants I competed in while in college.

But although I was singing from time to time, I had developed this deep fear of performing, so after college I didn’t do so for a very long time. It was easier to accept what my fear made me believe about myself than to face it and figure out how to use my voice in a way that fit it, and my spirit. So, about six years ago, I decided to face my fear again. I have an awesome friend who is a music producer and he agreed to give me vocal lessons. I enjoyed them so much and my vocal ability was improving, so he encouraged (made me, lol) do a performance at the local weekly Organic Soul open mic night.

I sang “He Loves Me (Lyzel in E Flat)” by Jill Scott and was super critical of myself (in my head) the entire time. It was just an anxiety filled experience that I started to avoid again. Even though people told me they enjoyed my performance and many of the people in the audience were friends or familiar faces, I just couldn’t get out of that space.

Fast forward to 2019, a year of transformation for me. The most impactful change was my mindset. It had been years in the making and finally manifested last year, to the point I believed it. I had built this amazing career as an educator for fourteen years and achieved many of my professional goals, but my creative side suffered because I let it. In 2019, I made a promise to myself to start putting my creative pursuits at the top of my list, which included facing my performance anxiety.

It is absolutely true that once you decide to get in alignment with your gifts and purpose, God opens the doors, the paths and places the people in your life to aid you on the journey. Once I decided and started putting it out there, I started aligning with people I could take this journey with.

Earlier this year I started connecting with writers, creatives and musicians online. One of those connections was musician, Marcus Mitchell. The amazing saxophonist has been in the music industry for twenty years and released his twentieth project, aptly titled “20” this year. He also performs with two other musicians named Marcus as the group M3. Each year, the group performs at legendary Blues Alley Jazz Club in Washington, DC and Marcus invited me to perform a song there this past March.

I was absolutely elated. I’d been to Blues Alley numerous times to see artists and had last visited for my birthday in February of 2019. Now, I was going to sing there. My performance anxiety kicked in and told me all the familiar lies that I decided not to listen to. I told my fear I was going to drag it with me to that stage and enjoy my moment.

I did just that. No, it wasn’t perfect. I was nervous as hell, lol. I was off key at times, but I did it. With two shots of Tito’s vodka in me and the determination from the reminder that life is a gift and we have to seize opportunities while we have them, I got up there and faced my fear.

It felt amazing and for the first time in a long time, I let myself go into my gift in the presence of strangers who could judge me. But that no longer mattered because I’d finally stopped judging myself. I realized what I have to give through my voice is enough and it’s good. I was part of someone’s night out and that meant the world to me. I got a performance high y’all!

I am still on this journey to becoming a singer and I am loving it. I will start vocal lessons in the next few weeks and will practice several days a week to get ready for the opportunities I am sure will come. The main thing I’ve learned is to focus on what you are and build that up to its greatest ability, then if you struggle with fear like I did, drag the fear with you to face it and overcome it.