Inspired by Insecure: An Expired Friendship is Not a Beef, but is it Expired?

Molly and Issa, Season 4 of Insecure

Although we’ve had to wait almost two years for Insecure to return for its fourth season, after three episodes, I think it was worth the wait. The first episode opens with Issa lying on the couch, cell phone up to her ear in a scarf and tee-shirt watching the fictional show Looking for Latoya.

As Rose Cranberry, the host, gives details about the last time the missing woman was seen, Issa says to the unknown caller, “Honestly, I don’t fuck with Molly anymore.” She sighs a little and the camera returns to the show as Cranberry asks, “What happened? Who’s responsible? Did anyone see this coming? Could anyone have stopped it?” (She also asks is Latoya missing or murdered, but that doesn’t fit with what I’m trying to do here, lol) I immediately connected these questions to Issa and Molly’s friendship and wondered how it all went wrong.

How did these two best friends, two peas in a pod, besties for life and down-for-each-other- through-whatever girls, come undone?

What I have always loved about Insecure is how real the situations, thought patterns and evolution (or lack thereof) of the characters are. Since the show’s first season, it has inspired me and many others to question ourselves (our choices and motivation), our friendships and relationships. So, when I heard Issa say those words it inspired me to delve into my thoughts about female friendships. How they shift, why they shift and what I’ve learned about maintaining them over the years.

Plain and simple, friendships shift because we change. Our needs, wants and circumstances change. Sometimes the friendship can’t survive those changes, especially when we are not honest, intentional or willing to communicate, forgive and repair. All relationships go through tests and trials and I’ve learned that the disagreements, distance, arguments, jealousy and differences experienced cause some friendships to morph into family and some to dissolve into acquaintances or something in between. And, that’s okay.

Here’s another spin on this for you: I have sometimes felt like females will work harder to repair romantic relationships (with men or women), than they will to repair friendships with their girlfriends. I have been the friend who was tossed aside when I expressed my concerns about my friend not showing up for me like I did for her. I knew the all of the BS her man had put her through and how they worked through it, but when it came to me, the ten-year friendship was easily discarded. But that experience taught me a lot about friendships and actually motivated me to be a better friend.

Issa and Molly, Season 4 of Insecure

Here’s what I’ve Learned about Maintaining Friendships with my Girlfriends:

They can only be Maintained when Both People want the Friendship. When you are in a romantic relationship, strategies to repair and forgive come with the territory. Those same strategies: communication, honesty, vulnerability and most importantly…. willingness, help friendships thrive.

Self-Work is Essential. Molly was told by Issa and the guy she is dating that she has a problem with finding something wrong when there may not be a problem. If people are telling you the same thing, it would be wise to look into it and do some self-work to rid yourself of toxic and unhealthy behaviors.

Intention creates bonds, just like Experiences do. We are mothers, daughters, wives, friends, caretakers, professionals and so much more. Those days of going out every weekend and talking on the phone every day, may be a thing of the past, so you have to be intentional about making time for each other and communicate what you need from your friends.

Empathy. We are all working our way through this thing called life. Sometimes your friends need grace when they make mistakes or act out. This doesn’t mean you let someone mistreat you. It means you understand that it’s not personal and give them a chance to repair the friendship.

Acceptance. Accept what the friendship is, even if it is not what it used to be. Sometimes our maturity levels and capacity to function in certain ways for people are just not in alignment. But there is value and we have to tap into that.

Embrace the Roles. I have all types of friends who play different roles in my life and vice versa. They are all valuable and we lean on each other more in some seasons of life than others.

I am definitely not perfect, but at this point in my life, I damn sure keep trying when it comes to my friends. I have been let go and I have done the letting go. That shit is hard.

Just because a friendship ended or our roles in each other’s lives shifted, doesn’t mean we’re beefing (enemies). What I see happening between Issa and Molly is a shift and from what I’ve seen so far, part of the breakdown is a result of lack of communication, jealousy and a need for self-work on Molly’s part.

I’ll keep watching to see how Issa and Molly’s friendship fell apart, but also hope to see it come back together, stronger than before.